On Cats (αἴλουρος φόβος)

"~The Hating of Cats is a Difficult Matter / It isn't just one of your Holiday Games~"

--T. S. Eliot

"OH GOD THEY'RE EATING MY FACE! I'M STILL ALIVE! OH GOD HELP ME JESUS! THE PAIN!"

--T.S. Eliot
(These words were heard after he'd finished 'Old Possums Book of Practical Cats' during his subsequent devouring by cat agents who, after having met in chambers, rendered a Lethal Finding, as they felt he'd outlived his usefulness to them.)

All right, so enough of this nonsense about how cute & loving & fluffy & sweet cats are.

No more lies: they're all Demons from Hell (which is the only reason they seem to like me so much: they're attracted to Damned Souls, I guess), and I'm positive the moment -- the very MOMENT -- polydactyl felines develop fully opposable digits, well, that's it for us chimps!

And -- not unlike many humans of historical prominence (e.g., Caligula Gaius Caesar, Torquemada, Hitler, and Andrei Chikatilo to name a few), the undeniable fact is cats are predatory, sneaky little beasts who dream about murdering us in our sleep and eating our still-warm bodies.

Got a cat? Go look at them RIGHT NOW -- of course, they'll be sleeping regardless of when you do this (without their 23-hour-per-day beauty sleep, they're just no good at all for those sixty remaining minutes of consciousness). Now, instead of waking the furry little buzzsaw up, just look at them.

Do they appear to be sleeping happily? If so, that means they're dreaming about savagely murdering and devouring anything smaller than they are. Their dreams are filled with blood, and anything which squeaks and bleeds when they bite 'em.

Do they appear REALLY happy? Chances are they're dreaming about YOU being smaller than THEM (vide supra for why).
 
I know MINE  thinks and dreams constantly about violent, bloody, brutal rodent-slaying, rabbit-brutalizing, murder in general and (of course) just how fond he is of blood. Also, being  exceptionally vocal (as Bengals tend to be), I'm increasingly certain his yowls, howls, and all the other bizarrely strangled noises he makes which, for lack of a better description, are what I'd imagine gargling evil must sound like -- are all simply audible manifestations of his loathing for humanity.

I don't think this cat actually has to consume food (canned or free-range) for any biological reasons, as he's perfectly capable of sustaining himself indefinitely on pathos alone, though he might need human tears to serve as liquid nourishment; anyone's tears will do, though children's are generally preferred by most felines. (Nota Bene: this is not necessarily true for all cats:  some actually prefer the tears of a mother who has just lost both children in a gruesome accident; others prefer the tears of a man in soul-flaying pain sans analgesia, and on and on:  each cat is different, and favorites differ by individual, as I've learned over the years I've been misfortunate enough to cohabitate with one or more felines...And I'm lucky I've survived long enough to discover even that much...).

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I'm sure the curious (or even those possessed of reason) naturally have questions in light of the assertions made above, such as: "How does the ailurophobic (αἴλουρος φόβος) freak who committed this lunacy to writing know his cat hates him?"

First, he insists on sitting either on or near me whenever I'm stationary; while the less knowledgeable may think this is because of a desire for body heat, Occam's Razor suggests it is far more likely it is the feline way of placing "dibs" on their meat-constructed caretakers, so they can tuck in the second we die and become non-responsive.

Second -- and even more telling -- whenever I feed or even touch him, he makes an ominous, barely perceptible rumbling growl in his throat; from my own extensive experience with a variety of animals who threaten man (e.g., feral dogs), growling like that with so little provocation is invariably indicative of a dangerously maladjusted animal.

If you find yourself in the immediate vicinity of a cat growling in this fashion, SEEK SHELTER IMMEDIATELY.

CONTACT THE AUTHORITIES as well so the situation can be contained with a minimum of collateral damage. Any properly equipped SWAT team should be able to neutralize the offending creature with a minimum of fuss, and from a safe distance, as they usually have skilled snipers at their disposal.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO NEUTRALIZE IT ON YOUR OWN: let the professionals handle it.

In the event even the proper authorities suffer a containment failure (cats are fast and sneaky little fuckers, make no doubt), there are really only a few failsafe solutions, and most consider the first too drastic. Either:

A) Call in dedicated airstrikes, or

B) Tent the premises, then flood it with Isoflurane for at least one (1) day, followed by the use of Halon for the same amount of time.


Once the latter has dissipated enough to support combustion and the proper precautions have been taken, the Final Solution may then be implemented: the entire building should then be demolished and incinerated at temperatures no lower than 4000 Degrees Fahrenheit (~2204 D Centigrade) in keeping with Best Practices.

Only once these steps are followed can the area again be considered safe.

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If further proof of my cat's enduring hatred for Your Humble Narrator is necessary...That I wake up almost every morning with him underneath the covers, sleeping, more often than not, between my legs, is another warning sign, as I have no doubt he's biding his time while eying Yours Truly's Most Tender Bits (aka 'private parts') and will, when I least expect it, start going to town on my testes as if they were catnip-stuffed mice dangling temptingly before him. Of course, I have no concrete proof of this, though I am certain my logic and conclusion are entirely sound.

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For Those Who Would Still Choose to Acquire a Cat

As a general rule, cats become more attached to their territory (such as your house) than the hairless apes who willingly provide for their every possible need. After consulting with a number of animal behaviour specialists, Military think-tanks, and having spared neither time nor expense in my own research, all are in universal agreement upon the following being the best course of action upon the acquisition and introduction of a new cat into your home:

• Buy at least a year's supply of those pellets cats eat (available at local grocers or pet store);
• Buy at least a year's supply of those pellets cats use for the toilet (available at same);

***IMPORTANT NOTE***

I have unconfirmed reports these are two entirely different sorts of pellets, so try not to confuse the two or mix them all up together. Or do. I don't care. The cat probably doesn't, either. 

Next:

• Stock the house with the appropriate pellets in the appropriate places;
• Do a short-sell on your home, purchase a new house with whatever money is left, and move there.

(Optional but recommended: abandon your old furniture to save you the risk of returning to the danger zone which your previous house has now become; I believe it was Thomas Wolfe who said, "You can't go home again. No, I mean for real, dude: there's a fucking evil-ass cat there now, so you can just forget about it.")

I sincerely hope this brief article, which was extensively researched and exhaustively fact-checked by a former Fox News staff-member, proves of use to anyone who is considering the acquisition of one of these fascinating if loathesome creatures, or for those poor souls who are already burdened with one (or, god help them, two or more).

Any complaints about the humorous quality of this squib should be directed, via email, to /dev/null :)

For those who found this useful, no need to thank me:  just trying to make the world a safer place for everyone. Humans, anyway.

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***LEST THERE BE FOLLY***

Absolutely EVERYTHING said above is a joke (well, not the part about Bengals being notoriously vocal, and that my cat invariably makes his way underneath the blankets to sleep with me in bed). The point is, NO, I do NOT actually hate cats, nor am I labouring under any illusions my cat hates me (given the average brain size of a domesticated feline, not sure their pecan-sized brains can even harbour such feelings :D).

Final Word:  anyone taking -=ANY=- of the above seriously should seek professional help IMMEDIATELY. Seriously.

Also, anyone who reads the above and actually does anything inhumane to cats should ponder the wisdom of the sign which said:

"Prosecutors will be Violated to the Fullest extent of the Law."

(Ok, I might have Spoonerized the above, though it still stands:  hurt a cat, prepare to be violated. Repeatedly.)



~J